Author: Krissa Dorfner
Balancing the roles of wife, mother, student, employee, friend, family member and church member has been the most challenging thing I have ever done. The last three years have been far from easy, and yet, have also been the most rewarding in many ways; rewarding because God was ever present in my life. God taught me to trust when I was tempted to feel guilty. To rely on Him for financial help when we didn’t know how we were going to pay our bills. To pray to Him when I felt incompetent with someone’s life in my hands. To find peace in Him when I could not fix my patients. To hope…to hope in Him because of His promises.
I have struggled with a lot of doubt these last three years. As I waited to hear back from nursing school admissions I doubted I would get in. Then once I was accepted and in school, I doubted I could pass important exams, doubted I was smart enough to graduate, and doubted if I could even be a nurse. Every time, I was tempted with doubt, God softly reminded me – He is for me. He is the true source of hope. If he is for me, then who could be against me?
If God is for us, who could be against us?-Romans 8:31
I questioned if I was being selfish by pursuing my dream instead of staying at home with my young son. I felt guilty that my home, my friends, and even my own family had to come second at times when school became a priority. I fought during the first year of nursing school, trying to convince myself that my family comes first. It did, but I had to admit it was going to look different at this point in my life. I felt a sense of peace when my husband and I finally accepted that nursing school was high on our list of priorities. This did not mean that I left my family in the dust, it simply brought my husband and I to a mutual understanding that my temporary role of nursing student was demanding time that meant restructuring other roles in my life.
I don’t believe God wanted me to feel guilty. I actually believe guilt was being used as a powerful tool to try and prevent me from pursuing God’s good plans for me. While wrestling with doubt and guilt, I discovered a beautiful facet of hope… Security.
In Christ-centered hope, I found security and confidence that the Lord my God had brought me to this place in my life for a purpose and a reason. Before nursing school I prayed hard that He would shut this door if it was not part of His plan. When the door opened, I knew God was inviting me in. Again, I found hope as I trusted in His promises.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”-Jeremiah 29:11
To me, hope is the anticipation that our needs and or desires will be met. Over the course of my three years in school, my hope grew and grew. There were months when we only brought in $1500 to pay for all our bills. My husband and I together would pray and hope that the Lord our God would provide. He did, in amazing ways.
My first year of nursing school, I found a $100 Visa gift card in my mailbox. At first I thought it was an accident, as if someone lost a gift card (again, my doubt kicking in). Then I realized that someone put it there with purpose. My second year of nursing school, during Christmas season, My husband and I decided we couldn’t do Christmas gifts since we had little money. Christmas is my favorite holiday, so this was not an easy to accept. Then we received a letter in the mail from my aunt. It was a card that overflowed with words of kindness and encouragement. This lovely card contained a check…a check for $500. She insisted that we use it for Christmas to buy each other something nice, and to buy our son a present. Most recently, I had to pass a big nursing exam in order to graduate. I read the email reporting the results that stated “You passed,” and still I doubted. I couldn’t help but think that there must have been a mistake, they accidentally gave me someone else’s score!
In the midst of hope, doubt creeps in uninvited. However, I made it. I have graduated. I am going to be a nurse.
God has revealed Himself and His provision to us over and over again as I have ventured through nursing school. He has shown me my hope does not lie within a clean home, straight A’s, a college degree, an obedient child, a perfect husband or money, but that my hope lies solely in Him.
Doubt can poison our minds. Don’t let it ruin your faith in Jesus, instead be joyful in hope because we have a faithful God. Open your heart to Him, take that leap of faith, discover where real security lies, and let Him strengthen you with hope.
All glory goes to God for bringing me AND my family through nursing school. I am not only alive but still happily married to a wonderful, supportive and loving man, I have a son that still desires to play with his momma, and we have a roof over our head and food on our table. I am truly grateful!