Three years ago we bought our son an adorable little t-shirt: “Big Brother Team Captain”, it said. He wore it to Grandma and Grandpa’s house that evening – he was so excited to share the big secret he had been keeping.
My husband’s parents were ecstatic – they had been waiting for a second grandchild since the day our son was born!
Then I started bleeding. Just a little spotting, at first.
We spent the night in the emergency room but by the time the doctor finally got around to examining me we already knew the diagnosis.
“Your pregnancy has terminated,” he said. So cold. So clinical.
He gave me a prescription for T3 and sent me home with a dismissive “It’s so early, everything will happen naturally. Come back if the pain gets unbearable.”
The next day I couldn’t move. I laid in bed and cried.
And cried and cried and cried.
We had only found out about the baby the week before. One week – but I already loved my little bean.
I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect the pain.
My husband had to carry me to the bathroom and then hold me while I sat there, shivering, shaking, trying not to be sick.
I’ve never seen him cry so much, or so hard. It had only been one week, but he loved our baby too.
* * *
Two months later I found out that I was pregnant again.
I hated every moment of my relatively easy pregnancy with my son, but I cherished each moment of this much more difficult pregnancy. It was a pregnancy filled with worry and fear and anxiety, but God replaced our mourning with joy.
The Bible says “Those who sow with tears will reap songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.” (Psalm 125:5-6, NIV) And it reminds that the Lord will “provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” (Isaiah 61:3, NIV)
Ten months after my miscarriage, I gave birth to a healthy 6 lb 4 oz baby girl.
Beauty from ashes.
At the time I clung to Scripture: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28 (NIV))
Going through a miscarriage was horrible, it was scary and it was painful – but looking back, I can see how God revealed Himself – and His love for us – in that situation. I can see how He worked all things – even our grief – for good.
The tragedy we experienced strengthened my relationship with my husband. I remember the night after our trip to the hospital, lying in bed, sobbing, with a Kleenex box between us. We were connected in love and grief. We went through every moment of my third pregnancy together – my husband was much more attentive and much more involved than he had been the first time around! We both learned that nothing in this life is a given – we need to depend on God for every single breath. My husband was there for every doctor’s appointment, every ER visit, and every ultrasound – holding my hand, praying with me, calming my fears.
I also learned not to take the children I do have for granted. Even on challenging days, when I’m exhausted and none of us are at our best, I see my children as blessings. I realize my time with them may be fleeting so I try to make the most of each and every day with them.
* * *
Maybe it’s just me, but in my experience beauty goes hand in hand with pain. You can’t have one without the other.
One of my favourite passages in Scripture says that we may have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials, but “these have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” (1 Peter 1:6-7, NIV)
Being refined hurts. Weaknesses and impurities are stripped away, leaving us with only what is genuine and true. But the end result is something more worthy and much more beautiful than gold.
Readers, Sometimes our deepest sorrows shine light on the richest beauty, but it is not always easy to see through the pain. It is our prayer that today you would have eyes to see that even in the midst of trouble God’s promises still stand true.
Holly Berg is a wife, mama, writer and horse nut who wrangles children by day and words by night. She writes to challenge, encourage and inspire others to see beauty in the everyday, minister in the mundane, and share their stories along the way. Read more of her writing at Scattered Words.